May 4th or May be?

I haven't been writing anything since my last birthday rant ,

not that there are anything interesting to write about anyway...

It's been 2 years since the incident that caused me huge setbacks ,

so now I've finally back to where I was (with a bit more to spare)..

I even gotten myself a new rig using that extra bit ,

as I told myself :"It's time to properly reward myself for real this time "

During the last 2 years my main focus was to try to recover what I've lost in that incident ,

& in order to reach that goal as soon as possible I've decided not to doing anything else .

Occasionally I do day dream about what could've been if I didn't have that setback ,

but then again Covid would still happened and I probably wont be doing anything differently anyway.

I thought I'd have regain back my confidences ,back to where I was before the setbacks , 

back to the good o' hopeful me once I've done recovering the loss ...

but I thought wrong...yet again...

not the 1st time & I got a strong feeling that it's not going be the last time I'm wrong 

so I guess I'll have to start get used to it...

No matter what lies I convinced myself , things will never  truly be back to how it was.

This year will be yet another may be after all...

Another May 4th, Another May Not

May 4th , known as Star Wars Day to the SW fans , it's a grand day for celebration .

But as my 30th birthday , not much celebration is going on .

It's definitely a 'memorable' birthday ,but in a kinda bad way as the world has gone into a dire situation with the Covid-19 virus outbreak & lockdowns , so no gatherings or celebrations can be done.

On a second thought , perhaps I should view this lockdown in a positive light as it at least give me an valid excuse of not being able to celebrate my birthday .

Truth be told , nothing makes me happy anymore these days...

I don't feel happy on my birthday ,& I don't feel happy on any day in 2020 so far   ...

Oh if you are wondering , my birthday wish is still the same as last year ,
though I'm beginning to think having an unfulfillable birthday wish is perhaps a way of punishing myself .

At least James can choose to be with Maria , but such option is not possible out here in the real world for me...

Let's see if the rest of 2020 will be able to surprise me ..

Recap 2019 : A Rerun of Past Year

A rerun ,but with a heavier loss than 2018 .

That's basically sums up the year 2019 ,
no happening ,
no excitements ,
no growth ,
no progression ...

& it's gone , it's over .

It's true I started the year without much expectations ,
given how 2018 ended ,
but for the 1st few months of the year I was somewhat hopeful ,
& was naively believe I was making some sort of progressions ,
fantasizing about regaining ,reconnecting some old bond.

All that came to an end when I fall into a trap and lost much of my progressions over the years .

A huge slap back to reality .

The truth was even before I fall into said trap ,
she cut off the remaining ties that I was so desperately trying to reconnect .
The trap simply just dealt the finishing blow onto me.

Then for the rest of the year ,I stopped being hopeful .
I stopped to care for anything or anyone .

I'm still not caring nor hopeful even as I'm writing this ,
& I believe 2020 will be more or less the same moving forward.

We shall see....

Save File Deleted , Progress Lost

...only it's not save file from any video game that got 'deleted' ,
it's my real life progression , all 5 years of it...(for the most parts)...

5 years ago it was the beginning of a new phrase of my life story ,
I had to start almost everything from scratch  at that time,
as I had basically wasted all the time & money during the entire "extended period of college life" much earlier , with zero progressions being made & got almost nothing out of it at the end...

I'm not going to retell the tales of how much of nothingness I did during those days , my older posts already covered those ,
but 5 years ago , I got a Second Chance to restart everything...

The 1st 2 years of it were the turning points of my life ,
a lot of wonderful and fresh experiences ,emotions & moments happened during that period ...
I felt like I was at the height of my life at that time...

However great things never lasts....
so at some point during the 2nd year ,
I slipped down back into the  depths of low points of my life...
I've been staying down here for the next 3 years till now ,
making very little progressions ever since...

With that being said , what little progression I did made over the 5 years ,
were something I was quite proud of ;
it's something that validates my own ways of moving forward ,
it's also the fruit of all my compromises in those 5 years ...

But it's GONE now , all of it...

As of this moment ,
I really feel like nothing I did in these 5 years ever mattered ,
history has managed to somehow repeated itself ,
& I'm being forced back to level ZERO ...

Just as I thought I had made enough progressions and prepared to proceed to next phrase ,
the "snap" happened ,
so yeah ,
another 5 years of my life wasted...

I'm so not looking forward to the 2nd half of this year ,
& the years that follows ..

because I know : Thanos didn't snapped away my progressions ,
I did this to myself

Birthday Wish

You know I never thought much about my birthday wish ,
not on any of my past birthdays , as far as I can remember them...

So my friends asked about my birthday wish for this year just hours ago ,
at the celebration they hooked me up (which I'm very glad about it )

....I said nothing...but deep inside my heart , I just wished one thing :

"I wished I could reconnect with her "

It's an impossible wish to ever become true , just like how a little kid wished for a unicorn for their birthday ..only less naive & more stupid...

She finally blocked me again , on my 2nd number ,&  made a firm point yet again that she really really wanted to cut all ties with me ...

Not that I'm totally surprised , but still it cause a emotional reaction (the negative kind) quite abit ...

So ya ,to wrap it all up ,I'm happy that my buddies were there for me , but the void deep within my heart is still not mended to this date...not that I have much expectations anyways...

Recap 2018 : A Year of Let it Be

The title basically sums it all up about 2018 .

I had zero hope nor expectations entering 2018 ,

& the year certainly went by without much happenings ,

...naturally.

Looking back ,  the way I got through 2018 could certainly be comparable to how I did it back in 2014 , for the most parts ( maybe minus all the fun parts back then )

Working full time throughout the entire year ,
just like how it was in 2014 ,
getting to know new staffs ,
working with familiar faces ,
making familiar jokes ...

In a lot of ways it certainly feels like repeating my 1st year of working at this company ,however  there were of course few differences for 2018 version...

The positive parts ? I got paid better than 2014 (as expected...)

The not so positive parts ? Nothing else exciting happened..

I generally had even less social interactions compared to 2014 ,
heck ,it was even lesser than 2017  .

At times I felt like I was pretty isolated from people...
Old bonds felt like they were drifted even farther away then before ,
& I had no luck in starting any new bonds ...

Oh well , let's see how far or where my "let it be" approach will lead me to in 2019 .

Reconnected...?

So we finally had a conversation...maybe more like a small talk ...

That's probably all to it , a small talk , nothing more ,nothing less...

There were clear signs all over her that she didn't have the intentions to carry on the conversation any longer than necessary , but I insisted anyways...

As much as part of myself hate her (& hate myself at the same time) ,
I actually felt nervous & delight for the 1st time ever since...she left..

I know it won't last long this time ...

But maybe...just maybe...this could lead to something else?

Or maybe I'm delighted due to a false hope , just fooling myself all along....

Fuck it...

2018 : New Possibilities or Same o' Bullshit ?

...either way I got a feeling it's gonna be a year of unknown...

I wanted to maintain my consistency of blogging
by at least writing one new post per month ,
but I guess the only thing that's consistent about me is my inconsistency..

So to recap 2017 , a year with almost zero happenings ,
I've done nothing of significance (both to myself or to anyone else ) ,
got emotionally triggered few times throughout the year...
( & got slapped by reality along the way) ,
got myself an award ,hooray..?
(which doesn't really mean much , given my conditions),
got to try a few new things...
(& got disappointed cuz it wasn't as expected) ,
...
To summarize 2017 :
It sucks ,
but exactly the kind of year a sorry ass like myself deserved

So fast forward to present day , the 1st month of 2018 ,
& I've made a decision which I should've done a long time ago :
Quitting my job .

To be completely frank , I really just wanted to have a long break ,
so I chose to follow my heart while shutting off my rationale.

Let's see where my heart will lead me to next ?

Octo-bored

If anyone has noticed , yes , I didn't write any post for the past two months ,
it's not because I was too busy or anything ,
I was simply not in the mood to write anything ..

Did anything interesting happened for the past two months?
No...maybe abit of yes...but mostly a no ...

So long story short ,
I was trying to build up some new 'connections' ,
& naively thought that I will nail it effortlessly ,
but of course it ended miserably at the end.

Needless to say , I gave up ,
just like how I gave up on many of the obstacles that were thrown at me during critical moments .
I was like "nope , forget about it , fuck it & I'm done doing this"

& so things remained the same , just like back then , just like..always

Although I should mention about one particular event ,
that happened totally unexpectedly , almost dream-like event ..
It's hard to put it on words...or maybe I'm just not feeling that comfortable writing it down
..in details i mean ...

Suffice to say , it was a totally raw & new sensation to me ,
in a way it was like voyaging through an uncharted territory for the 1st time..
though things didn't went to as smoothly as I had hoped ,
in fact it was almost disappointing for the most part...
& it certainly didn't ended well...

Anyways , it's just the start of October ,
while I wanted to  say I'm looking forward for the exciting things to happen in this month ,
the sad truth is I knew this month might yet be another bored filled month .
Oh well , no expectations , no disappointments ,eh?

An Ending Without Closure

One year ago , on this exact date ,
a story has ended..

It was a story about a girl and a boy .

A decision was made on that fateful night ,
..not by the boy , but rather it was made for the boy..
A decision that ended the story.

At the end of the story ,
the girl has grown up to be a woman ,
while the boy..
The boy's time has stopped ever since...

They say time heals ,
or for the very least ,
it changes a person's mind .

That's true in some way ,
but time alone doesn't do all the magic by itself...
the person has to embrace the flow of time ,
to accept the very fact of this ever changing reality,
only then he could move along the time...

A year has passed ,
everything else has changed in one way or another ..
But one thing remained unchanged ,
the boy is still stuck in the deep pit,
just as he was being left there a year ago ..
shattered and without any closure.

A Reminder of Disappointments

It's been more than 10 months since she walked out of my life ,
but at times it just felt like it was just happened very recently...

It all felt like...a long nap with a long ,never ending wild dream..
A dream about she told me she wanna break up & I was OK with it,
glad about it in fact , cause that way I can be a free dude again ,
free to play games as long as I want ,
free to hang out with friends without distraction ,
chat with other girls without feeling guilty about it ,
no more 'obligatory reporting on every single details of what I am doing' ,
I needed a time out , a short break that get out of this bond temporary .

So , at the end of the dream , I was ready to wake up ,
I had my break time , I had enough time and distance for myself,
I wanted to get back to her , to be a better version of myself ,
to be the one she had always hoped me to become...

..as I tried to wake up ,
I realized that there was never any nap ,nor any dreams ,
all those months I so casually spent inside the 'dream' ,
taking my own sweet time enjoying myself
with leisure activities after leisure activities,
while trying to make small progressions which I told myself
it'd impress her when I finally get back to her later...

Everything were the fucking reality ,
there wasn't any dream that I can simply wake up from ,
& get back to her as if I was taking a short break .
& any 'progressions' I thought I had made meant nothing ,
insignificant ,irrelevant .

She gave up on me and left me for all the right reasons ,
that I'm a big disappointment to her .
& she has moved on rather quickly ,
a further proof that I'm a failure & easily replaced.

It's been fucking 10 months ,
yet I'm still occasionally feeling tormented by this...by her..
Whenever & however she comes into my mind ,
the ripples of emotions will crush through my heart,
not because of my love towards her
but because she is & will always be the reminder of what a
failure & disappointment I was & still am even to this day.

May the Age of Expectations be with You

It's May now , so I'm officially 27 years old .

An age that comes with more even responsibilities & social expectations that the last..

 I'm still pretty much the same old me , 

which is not a good sign at all when it comes to this age...

It means I'm still as childish as before ,

unwilling to step up & take more responsibilities ,

do not have the urgency to plan things ahead  ,

no ambitions & slow in progress/make changes ,

resort to whining & sulking when things didn't go the way I hoped..

..the list goes on..

No wonder she left me & moved on with a more reliable dude ,

who looks more financially stable , 

taller , older & possibly more matured , 

& probably has bigger...

capacity and capability in fulfilling her needs & assuring her future...

May the force be with you 

Ya ,right , the force of social pressure and expectations is upon me every single seconds of my life currently...

Incomplete

I was going to write something last month ,
because February did have its...moments
but I just couldn't find the right words to write 'em down..

Well,  better late than never .
though sometimes , being late itself is as good as never..
still , I will try to write something down now.

I had spent times with solitary ,
of course I wasn't completely alone ,
I had friends , I still do ,
but we just don't spend as much time as we did back then.

I thought I would've gotten used to loneliness by now ,
after all it's just back to how I used to live years ago .
But quite frankly , it isn't the same ...
it feels even worse than last time...

when you have nothing much to begin with ,
you may feel a bit down sometimes when you compare with others ,
but you won't feel the pain of 'losing' , because you never had a thing to lose.

But once you had someone
someone that complete your empty space ,
and then you lost it ,
you are not simply back to how it was ,
you will also experiencing the 'lost' that comes with it ,
It's an on going effect ,
one that probably won't be gone any time soon ,
&'s it's going to get worse with time .

What's making it worse is that while one may be devastating with the lost ,
the other simply move on and probably feel way more happy than before ...

Not my best writing pieces , but who cares ?
The bottom line is :
She is happy ,
I AM NOT.

New Year ; Old Self

Yesterday was her birthday ...

I was never good at celebrating other's birthday ,
never good at getting the perfect gift either...

But none of these really matters cause I'm no longer part of her life ,
let alone get to celebrate her birthday ...

She has made it very clear that she's done with me ,
she even cut the last remaining ties we had...

She was just doing what should've been done long time ago..

I'm just a fool that kept denying the truth..

This entire CNY and her birthday just reminded me once again :
that whatever progress I think I've done for the past 2 years ,
they are becoming irrelevant and insignificant now ...

The good'o' times are long gone ,they are not coming back ,
what's left are all these painful reminders of how much I've lost...

Definitely not the most pleasant CNY I ever had...

Too Little , Too Late

"I lived through 2016 doing the best I could , & I've no regrets "

If you ever find me telling you that , well, that'd be a lie

Though , from time to time I keep telling myself the same lie ,
& I even got myself convinced that this the truth at times .

I'd like to think I'm doing great   , that I'm progressing ,
that I'm growing to become a better man this year.

Keywords : "I would like to think "

But that doesn't make it the truth ,
it's just a lie used to sugarcoat my carefree attitude at making progressions.

The past few months , incidents after incidents made me realized that :
I'm doing too little at this point of my life ,
& whatever small progressions I take so much pride in making ,
they are too slow..too late to be relevance .

I thought I've let go of my past & moved on...
but the truth is I never did...
what I did was to deny & pretend my past mistakes didn't happen.
then simply hope time will wash away everything.

What a great way to end a year :
by realizing everything I've done till this point has been too little ,too late ;
& everything is going back to square one right now .

Sleeping Volcano

There was an eruption just a week ago ,
but instead of lava , tears were being burst out ..
An outcome that I did not expect ,
but it just happened ..naturally...

I guess that's how an eruption supposed to be...

I got a feeling that wouldn't be the last eruption...
this volcano may appears asleep on the surface,
but deep within?
It's always raging...waiting for another eruption

Obvious Cue

Entering November of 2016 , the 2nd last 2 month of the year..

Something actually happened right after my previous post last month

I've found out that she have been deleting the photo albums
that we have shared on our Line chat.
She deleted those albums in batch ,
she deleted some of them first on end of Sep ,
then proceed to delete the rest 2 weeks after .

When I saw the notifications of her deleting those albums,
it felt like a after shock of an earthquake to me...
What I did next was that I actually confronted her
...not physically ,but via Facebook & Line chat,
after nearly 10 weeks of total silent among us.

I could've just stayed silent ,
but somewhere deep within me was screaming ,
telling me to say (write) something to her..
I knew very well that the  moment signifies her final resolve
in closing all ties between us ..
& I wanted to say something about it at that very moment.

I wasn't really sure what was my true intention
of trying to contact her...
perhaps it was partly about trying to reconnect ,
or partly about venting out my frustrations at her leaving me,
or even partly about putting on a proper closure..
for both of us...

I even went as far as asking her can we meet ,
but she replied me swiftly :

"We should not meet"

That was the last words she ever replied me.

Truth is...I'm not sure what good this whole thing really did ...

BTW last night I went back again , trying to feed the black cat..
but the cat wasn't there , just like it wasn't there last month I visited.

It's TWICE now...
perhaps it is an obvious cue that I was desperately waiting for..
that I should let all of these go..

A Celebration That Never Came

I'll be frank...I created this entry on  9/9/16 ,
which was exactly one month ago from today.
But after I wrote the title ,I've left it as a draft until today..

Just as the title implies ,
I was going to write about a celebration that could've happened ,
if things didn't ended up the way it did..
But I just couldn't find the right mood to finish the post...

For past few weeks ,things were calm...
I was hanging out with my friends ,
fetching & driving them around (finally I can drive) ,
managed to finished a game (wow...it's a rarity these days),
made some progress at college (so far so good,humbly speaking)

I was feeding the black cat too...
I thought I'd never go back there ever again...
but I did went back...twice in fact...after that Night..
back to the exact same spot...just to feed the black cat...
that's what I kept telling myself...
"Just  there to feed the poor cat"

I was probably craving for the affections shown by the cat..
the cat probably did the same for every passerby...for food
but still I enjoy it...I enjoy petting it ,
just as much as it enjoys my food
It's a mutual connection with each other....

Or maybe somewhere deep within me,
I was craving for something else altogether...
the cat was just a reminder of the better days(or nights?)

I'm not sure what I'm writing this for anymore,
I'm unsure of my feelings right now...

Knock, knock ,a voice from within.

So I attended a seminar this past Saturday ,
it was about knowing your own personality ,
& how our sub-consciousness can help us push forward &  beyond,
...or limit & constraint us within our own comfort zone .

The trainer also talked about our consciousness makes us think logically ,
while our sub-consciousness is responsible for all the feels we have .

So it's essentially a constant  scenario of heart vs mind ,
to put it in a less-scientific way...

After what happened nearly 5 weeks ago,
I can definitely feel the versus part more so than ever..

Sub-consciousness sure is a wild horse that love to cause all those ripples
..even now...

A Dream of the Past

Today is exactly 1 month after that fateful night...

Perhaps that's what my mind was trying to remind myself ,
by having such a dream last night...

She's there waiting for me ,then we walked together ,
& we chatted & we laughed...
as if this entire month didn't happened..

Then I woke up , then I stumbled upon a post shared on Facebook ,
it was roughly about :

"The horror of loving a guy with no ambitious in life"

That's the moment I've decided to forcibly shut my emotions down,
because deep down I knew ,
that's exactly the reason why she left...

I don't even deserved to feel all these emotions right now...