Looking Back

I have a friend whose blog is called "Never Look Back"
Now when you look at my blog ,which is called "Flashback' ,
don't you think these two things are totally opposing each other?
What I am trying to say is , the idea of 'never look back' will never ever work on me,
because I always look back , from time to time , I simply just love to look back to the past events , that's why I named my blog 'flashback' & it's filled with many flashbacks of my own....

I have this habit of keeping track of all my past msn chatting records
& I do read through some of the conversations records I had with certain people every once in a while...
& every time I do,I will always be surprised by the responses or contents that certain individuals had written to me in the past ,because most of the time,I had forgotten most of the conversations that we had exchanged in the past...

In one of the Adam Sandler's films , "Click" ,there was a scene about he could replay back any of his past events using the magical universal controller ...
now I really wish I have that kind of magical device on my hands right now...
It's not that I wanna go back in time & change my past...
I just wish I could be there again & 'feel' those moments again...

I guess I really love "looking back"...
maybe that's because I was & still am afraid of "looking forward"..?

What IF...?

I've always been wondering about what would have happened if I hadn't chosen the choices I had chose back then...
choices that would affect my life..
choices that defined me as I am here today...
or better yet, what if the choices were never even there for me to chose from at the very 1st place to begin with?
Now I’m not talking about having regrets or
“how I wish I had a time machine or redo button to change things in my past”…
No, not all at all ,that’s not what I’m gonna write right now …
After all ,WHAT’S DONE IS DONE…that’s a fact to begin with…
It’s simply a matter of self-aimed question that I’d love to ask myself so I could again Re-establish (or Re-identify) the connections between ME and the THINGS that make me ME…
Now the THINGS I’m talking about could be ANYTHING…
it could be a person (or persons) that influenced me ..
it could also be an incident (s) or flashback as I’d put it…
it could ,certainly , be a THING as well …something like video games for example…
& of course it could also be many many other Things that I’ve ever come in contact with ,directly or indirectly ….
Now of all the many matters , there’s only ONE question, ONE ‘What if” scenario that I’m very curious to find out about…

“WHAT IF I’ve never ever touch any video games at all in my whole life (up until now)?”

…wait…on second thought, it’d be quite impossible to totally never ever touch any video games at all nowadays … even for non-gamers( farm Ville anyone?)…
Maybe I should change the question to something like this…

“WHAT IF I’ve never ever being exposed with so much video games that I had today & I’ve never really get so ATTRACTED , almost ADDICTED ,or to certain extend , OBSESSED towards video games like I do currently?”

That’s really a good question indeed…
I suppose my life would be TOTALLY different by now
should that “What if Scenario” really happens….

I probably won’t be writing the way I write right now;
(I’ve learn much of my English from the games I’ve played, so as my writing styles…)

I probably won’t be talking the way I talk right now ;
(I suppose the way you write will be more or less influence the way you talk…
least that’s how I talk anyway….)

I probably won’t be acting the way I act right now;
(Acting in the sense that how I socialize with people surround me & how I react with
certain situations, I guess spending Most of my teenage time sitting in front of the TV set
& play games kinda makes me ..slightly different than normal kids when it comes to
socializing….particularly with girls…)

I probably won’t be thinking the way I think right now;
(Again,I suppose an Otaku’s(宅男) mind thinks quite differently than normal kids…)

I probably won’t be taking the course I’m taking now;
(For those who didn’t know , the course I’m taking now is called “Interactive Software Technology” ..hmm? Don’t have any idea what course is that? Many people gave me the huge question mark on their faces whenever I told them my course name…
Very well then ,let me put it in a more simpler way…
it’s about making video games….simple enough?)

I suppose there should be more “I probably won’t….”
but I kinda lazy to think them all out & write them down here…
these few examples are more than enough to show the difference I’ll have if I hadn’t been so passionate about video games…
especially the last one…

Perhaps that’s the only REAL QUESTION I’m trying to ask myself right now…

“PASSION or RESPONSIBILITIES ?”

…

Void

It's been more than 2 months since my last entry...
again,many things happened since then ,but as expected ,
I am not going to recap each & everyone of the past events ,or 'flashback'...
Maybe I will try to job down some of the major events ..in a very brief manner..
or maybe I won't mention any of them at all...
What's done is done after all....something are better left untold...
or for the very least, some quite meaningless only to be told right now.....
I have this bad habit ,that is I tend to drag things to the last possible minute..
that's why you won't see me blog to often , there were times that I really felt like write it all down over here ,but then I never did it because I was too lazy to put them in words...
Now I have this very same feeling again...
I am not really sure what the hell I am going to write in the next paragraph..
there is like so much things that has been trapped inside my mind that I so much wish to share it to people...but then it's really hard to put them down in the right words...
Something's bothering me lately...
I simply just feel bad just about everything...
damn it...this is killing me now...
too much 'negative aura' surrounding my mind now...
All I can say is that I have once again have doubt about MYSELF right now...
& I fear that bad things are going to happen real soon...
I just have this bad bad feelings...
let's hope I was wrong about this...

Perhaps?

It's been 3 weeks since i've back to KL for the 3rd sem of my studies...
finally,3rd Semester...looks like I've finally stepped into a new stage further than where I've stopped last time...
let's hope I could proceed even further until I get what I really wanted...
Though it wasn't quite a smooth sailing so far....but nothing I can do to change the past..
I guess I just have to keep moving on then...things will eventually get better...I suppose...

Well, I actually have plenty of things to write about since the past few weeks..
lots of things happened since the moment I got back to penang during my sem breaks last month..
but I just couldn't find the right words ,the right time as well as the right mood to write them all down ,heck ,even my last entry didn't really mention anything about that at all...

Even so , I still couldn't really find the right words to actually write them down right now...
Simply put , I had quite a pleasant time meeting with friends old and new ,tried something new , saw something new ,learnt something new and of course gained quite a bit of new experiences during my sem breaks in penang , and not to mention the wonderful family trip to the beautiful Bali Island I had just before the end of my sem breaks ...

They were all indeed some wonderful memories created during my sem breaks
& definitely they are going to stay inside my brain for as long as I still could remember them.....=.=

However , ever since I've returned to KL to resume my studies...
I started missing my wonderful holidays already...even until now...
I felt & am still feeling that there were still many more things I could've done in penang...
It was like ,as things were getting interesting , I had to leave...it's pretty awful...
but I suppose there's nothing much I could do now ,as I'm in KL at this very moment..
Maybe I should really focus on my assignments so that they could distract me away from my 'unstable heart'....
wait..ain't my mind that does all the thinking ?So shouldn't it be 'unstable mind'?
damn....I hate to go back to the 'Heart vs Mind' topic all over again...

(for more details ,please refer back to the 3rd blog entry written on December 2007)

Perhaps ,none of these really matters to me...
Perhaps ,time may be the best solution....
Perhaps ,I should just stop whining & go to sleep…

Oh well , Perhaps I was right on the last one..

Till next time then…login out...

2010...

Here I'm..back to my home sweet island again for yet another semester break..;p
It's now officially the eve of 2010 CNY ,
as it's already 2.48am now according to my laptop's clock..
Later tonight I guess I'll be sitting down around a table with a bunch of 'family members' ,
with my dad being the only people among the rest whose blood are related to me , & having our little reunion dinner at somewhere else ( I don't know where exactly..I suppose I'll eventually know the place when I get there later,eh?)
Now speaking of CNY & the so-called most valued traditions in our Chinese culture,the reunion dinner, I suddenly couldn't recall back how I spent these important days last year...did I had a 3 people steamboat meal at home with my dad & 2nd bro last year or something else happened?
I suppose since last year ,the so-called family bonding & reunion feel just started to fade away as compared to the times when I was still a little kid, who always looked so exciting and restless with each CNY passed by...
I guess all those good o' days were long gone...
all it remains are just plain memories...
This year might be the most boring CNY I'll be spending...so far...
at least for the 1st two days of CNY that is...
with both of my elder brothers only get back home by the 3rd day of CNY this year...
I could already imagine how I'd spend my 1st two days of CNY this year...
I don't wanna spoil the fun for those who didn't know already What exactly I'm going to do..
& I also don't wanna repeat myself again for those who already did know how I used to spend my day on such a 'typical normal days'...
Heck...I don't even expect people would actually waste their time reading this post of mine ,
so I'm basically telling jokes to my very own self...(to be exact,to the future me..XD)
From the very beginning ,I started blogging not because I wish people around me would come up here to read & to understand me better (though that is part of the motivations),
but mainly because I just wish to keep a personal journal for my future self...
Well,enough for the narcissism of mine , if anyone other than me are reading this ,
please do not get offended or irritated by any of my posts,
as this is the ME, writing about ME, in MY very own god damn blog..XD

A Stranger in the House

Yeah,you heard me right,there was a stranger in the House,
in the middle of the night (around 5am if not mistaken..or should I said morning?)
Anyway, it was a 'fine' young yellow skinned guy , taller than me , around my age it seems, & dressed in a black & white colors jacket with hood over his head ( which he hoped to use it as a disguise , but you know what ? Next time, come with a face mask & perhaps wear a shade as well , that way, I won't be able to look at your face at all ;p)
I was coming out of my room ,walking past the living room, heading towards the fridge to grab some food ( which is just a few steps away from my room actually, & it's on the middle of the living room opposite of my room), at that very moment , the stranger sneaked out of the balcony ( which is another few more steps away from the fridge ,but same side as where my room is )
We have roughly 0.5 second of eyes contact ,in which both of our bodies are still in stationary at that short period of time , & our faces appeared to be in shock (but his look seemed more shocked & scared than I did;p)
But as 0.5 second passed by , the stranger made the first move by sprinting towards the staircase to go downstairs (which is across the living room , right in front of my room's door )
He ran past directly in front of me ,& he almost tripped when he reached the staircase,
but I was still in stationary state at that very moment ,but not until some 1 second or so later ,when my senses were coming back to me & I started to make my move on him.
( At that very moment, my body was telling me to CHASE him ,not just try to scare him off ,but to really chase him and catch him and hopefully do something about him .Seeing as how he already started fleeing away from me & leaving our compound, with no obvious sign of him carrying anything that belongs to our house , and judging from where I first sighted him ,which was on the balcony , I believed that he just sneaked into 2nd floor , and didn't managed to start taking anything yet as his presence has been exposed by me soon after that, so I have no reasons at all to chase him at that particular moment . I mean,he had not taking anything from our house yet , & he already get scared the moment I saw him & started to run away , there's no need for me to further 'chase him off' anymore .
But my mind wasn't thinking much , I already wasted around 1 second ~ 2 second period to process all those information from what I've observed start from the very 1st moment I saw him , my body simply forced me do something instead of just standing there .
Maybe it was because I wanna chase him & really make sure he didn't take anything from our house .
Or maybe I wanna chase and catch him and beat him for his attempt to steal in our house ,
But 1 thing I can be sure ,the stranger's body height & size & look somehow encouraged me to make such a move. I mean, if he was someone with much muscular physical appearance ,
or some black & fierce looking guy ( as normally we'd anticipated ,the typical bad guys)
I might be too scared to move at all if that was the case...
But my body was telling me otherwise for this case , he looked somewhat skinny, with no weapons with him at 1st sight , & I'm confident enough to really chase him and confront with him ...
That was why I made the move i guess...)

I started chasing him down the stairs , out of our front door ,without even wearing any shoes .
But the stranger was quick on his feet , & I'm not even sure what to do even if I do managed to reach him , so I gave up the chase the moment I stepped out of my front gate , & watched him continue running to a corner across the road and finally slowly fading away out of my sight.
My mind actually came back to me at that moment ,
"With his current speed ,I don't have much chances to actually catch up with him."
"Even if I do catch him ,what am I going to do?"
"What if he got his other friends waiting at the corner across the road?I'd be a dead meat if I chase him that far only to get gangbang by them and watch them leave helplessly"
"I am bare feet right now ,I don't really feel like chasing him across the neighborhood in that state..."
Of all the above thinking appeared inside my head , I decided to just leave him be.
Few of my housemates woke up and asked me what happened ,
I told them the scenario that just happened , & I've also found out more facts from another housemate , who is just staying in the next room beside mine ,
& his windows in his room has a clear view on the balcony .
It appears that he too wasn't asleep at that time ,
& he sighted the stranger moments before I do ,from his windows.
According to what he saw, the stranger at the balcony ,just outside of his room , were peeking inside the windows , trying to make sure whether anyone is still awake or what...
He was playing with his laptop on his bed , but he has switched off all the lights in his room ,
so apparently he didn't noticed my housemate in that room was awake at that time.
But as soon as he walked out of the balcony & into the living room ,that's where and when we both noticed each other , & thus the short chasing scenario started .

Mr. Stranger , I'd advice you next time you do plan to do your 'business' at night or morning , please be more prepared ,like do some 'research & observations' before hand and make sure the residents in your targeted house will stay sleep during your 'working hour', & wear a proper disguise and do bring along some kind of weapons with you just to be 'safe'..
As you know, the people in this house DOESN'T SLEEP during this 'golden hour' , and they will do WHATEVER NECESSARY TO PUNISH such 'unprepared attempt of thievery'