Octo-bored

If anyone has noticed , yes , I didn't write any post for the past two months ,
it's not because I was too busy or anything ,
I was simply not in the mood to write anything ..

Did anything interesting happened for the past two months?
No...maybe abit of yes...but mostly a no ...

So long story short ,
I was trying to build up some new 'connections' ,
& naively thought that I will nail it effortlessly ,
but of course it ended miserably at the end.

Needless to say , I gave up ,
just like how I gave up on many of the obstacles that were thrown at me during critical moments .
I was like "nope , forget about it , fuck it & I'm done doing this"

& so things remained the same , just like back then , just like..always

Although I should mention about one particular event ,
that happened totally unexpectedly , almost dream-like event ..
It's hard to put it on words...or maybe I'm just not feeling that comfortable writing it down
..in details i mean ...

Suffice to say , it was a totally raw & new sensation to me ,
in a way it was like voyaging through an uncharted territory for the 1st time..
though things didn't went to as smoothly as I had hoped ,
in fact it was almost disappointing for the most part...
& it certainly didn't ended well...

Anyways , it's just the start of October ,
while I wanted to  say I'm looking forward for the exciting things to happen in this month ,
the sad truth is I knew this month might yet be another bored filled month .
Oh well , no expectations , no disappointments ,eh?

An Ending Without Closure

One year ago , on this exact date ,
a story has ended..

It was a story about a girl and a boy .

A decision was made on that fateful night ,
..not by the boy , but rather it was made for the boy..
A decision that ended the story.

At the end of the story ,
the girl has grown up to be a woman ,
while the boy..
The boy's time has stopped ever since...

They say time heals ,
or for the very least ,
it changes a person's mind .

That's true in some way ,
but time alone doesn't do all the magic by itself...
the person has to embrace the flow of time ,
to accept the very fact of this ever changing reality,
only then he could move along the time...

A year has passed ,
everything else has changed in one way or another ..
But one thing remained unchanged ,
the boy is still stuck in the deep pit,
just as he was being left there a year ago ..
shattered and without any closure.

A Reminder of Disappointments

It's been more than 10 months since she walked out of my life ,
but at times it just felt like it was just happened very recently...

It all felt like...a long nap with a long ,never ending wild dream..
A dream about she told me she wanna break up & I was OK with it,
glad about it in fact , cause that way I can be a free dude again ,
free to play games as long as I want ,
free to hang out with friends without distraction ,
chat with other girls without feeling guilty about it ,
no more 'obligatory reporting on every single details of what I am doing' ,
I needed a time out , a short break that get out of this bond temporary .

So , at the end of the dream , I was ready to wake up ,
I had my break time , I had enough time and distance for myself,
I wanted to get back to her , to be a better version of myself ,
to be the one she had always hoped me to become...

..as I tried to wake up ,
I realized that there was never any nap ,nor any dreams ,
all those months I so casually spent inside the 'dream' ,
taking my own sweet time enjoying myself
with leisure activities after leisure activities,
while trying to make small progressions which I told myself
it'd impress her when I finally get back to her later...

Everything were the fucking reality ,
there wasn't any dream that I can simply wake up from ,
& get back to her as if I was taking a short break .
& any 'progressions' I thought I had made meant nothing ,
insignificant ,irrelevant .

She gave up on me and left me for all the right reasons ,
that I'm a big disappointment to her .
& she has moved on rather quickly ,
a further proof that I'm a failure & easily replaced.

It's been fucking 10 months ,
yet I'm still occasionally feeling tormented by this...by her..
Whenever & however she comes into my mind ,
the ripples of emotions will crush through my heart,
not because of my love towards her
but because she is & will always be the reminder of what a
failure & disappointment I was & still am even to this day.

May the Age of Expectations be with You

It's May now , so I'm officially 27 years old .

An age that comes with more even responsibilities & social expectations that the last..

 I'm still pretty much the same old me , 

which is not a good sign at all when it comes to this age...

It means I'm still as childish as before ,

unwilling to step up & take more responsibilities ,

do not have the urgency to plan things ahead  ,

no ambitions & slow in progress/make changes ,

resort to whining & sulking when things didn't go the way I hoped..

..the list goes on..

No wonder she left me & moved on with a more reliable dude ,

who looks more financially stable , 

taller , older & possibly more matured , 

& probably has bigger...

capacity and capability in fulfilling her needs & assuring her future...

May the force be with you 

Ya ,right , the force of social pressure and expectations is upon me every single seconds of my life currently...

Incomplete

I was going to write something last month ,
because February did have its...moments
but I just couldn't find the right words to write 'em down..

Well,  better late than never .
though sometimes , being late itself is as good as never..
still , I will try to write something down now.

I had spent times with solitary ,
of course I wasn't completely alone ,
I had friends , I still do ,
but we just don't spend as much time as we did back then.

I thought I would've gotten used to loneliness by now ,
after all it's just back to how I used to live years ago .
But quite frankly , it isn't the same ...
it feels even worse than last time...

when you have nothing much to begin with ,
you may feel a bit down sometimes when you compare with others ,
but you won't feel the pain of 'losing' , because you never had a thing to lose.

But once you had someone
someone that complete your empty space ,
and then you lost it ,
you are not simply back to how it was ,
you will also experiencing the 'lost' that comes with it ,
It's an on going effect ,
one that probably won't be gone any time soon ,
&'s it's going to get worse with time .

What's making it worse is that while one may be devastating with the lost ,
the other simply move on and probably feel way more happy than before ...

Not my best writing pieces , but who cares ?
The bottom line is :
She is happy ,
I AM NOT.

New Year ; Old Self

Yesterday was her birthday ...

I was never good at celebrating other's birthday ,
never good at getting the perfect gift either...

But none of these really matters cause I'm no longer part of her life ,
let alone get to celebrate her birthday ...

She has made it very clear that she's done with me ,
she even cut the last remaining ties we had...

She was just doing what should've been done long time ago..

I'm just a fool that kept denying the truth..

This entire CNY and her birthday just reminded me once again :
that whatever progress I think I've done for the past 2 years ,
they are becoming irrelevant and insignificant now ...

The good'o' times are long gone ,they are not coming back ,
what's left are all these painful reminders of how much I've lost...

Definitely not the most pleasant CNY I ever had...