A Dream of the Past

Today is exactly 1 month after that fateful night...

Perhaps that's what my mind was trying to remind myself ,
by having such a dream last night...

She's there waiting for me ,then we walked together ,
& we chatted & we laughed...
as if this entire month didn't happened..

Then I woke up , then I stumbled upon a post shared on Facebook ,
it was roughly about :

"The horror of loving a guy with no ambitious in life"

That's the moment I've decided to forcibly shut my emotions down,
because deep down I knew ,
that's exactly the reason why she left...

I don't even deserved to feel all these emotions right now...

Ripples of Emotions

Today marks the beginning of  week 5..

This post won't be long..probably..
cause I'm sleepy right now

They say emotions is like a ripple at times ,
there are ups & there downs ,& somewhere in between...

My ripple is quite calm at this very moment ,
but I doubt it'll stay like this for long...

It's going to get busy real soon ,
I hope I can find some sense of purpose at the challenges up ahead...

The Third Monday

3 weeks has since passed , now entering the 4th week.

Today is the 3rd Monday that I've spent mostly by myself ,

especially for the time after evening.

Monday is the day I'm off duty from my work,

for the past  11 months or so.

Previously it was on Friday...those Friday nights held a lot memories too.

& sometimes I had my off days or morning shifts on  weekends too.

For the past 2 years ,

I had dedicated most of  my time out of all these off days,

morning shifts ,& any other free time in between just for her .

It became a routine , it was part of my life

...until 3 weeks ago.

To go through my off days & any other free time without her feels so...

dull & void of passion

Of course I have my friends & all those distractions to keep me occupied,

but it's just  not the same anymore without her 

I' was a fool...just like all those years ago...

history keeps repeating itself

A Silent Night

On a silent & lonely night like tonight , it's very easy to have all sorts of emotions crawling out from the deepest depth of my heart .

The first week was filled with shock ,confusion ,unwillingness ,uneasy..
then followed by denial & distractions to get away from all those raw emotions that's running wild ..

When the second week came ,
the wild feelings deep within have calmed down quite a bit ,
less confusion ,rational thoughts have kicked in ,tried to accept the reality ,
convinced myself it's the best case scenario that happened...
tried to move on...

...more distractions followed..

Coming to the end of the second week ,
there are these intense ,continuous & raw feelings
that are boiling inside me...
kinda like a volcano preparing to erupt..

I knew it won't be so easy....

Aftermath

It's been a week since the break up..

I've had some time to finally calm my emotions & come to accept things as they are right now.

..more or less..

I understand fully why it happened , everything she said were the undeniable truth .

To sum it all up : it was really a big wake up slap to the face .

It was a very logical and rational decision , & I had to accept this outcome...

All I can do now is to push forward...

to be a better me.