A Reminder of Disappointments

It's been more than 10 months since she walked out of my life ,
but at times it just felt like it was just happened very recently...

It all felt like...a long nap with a long ,never ending wild dream..
A dream about she told me she wanna break up & I was OK with it,
glad about it in fact , cause that way I can be a free dude again ,
free to play games as long as I want ,
free to hang out with friends without distraction ,
chat with other girls without feeling guilty about it ,
no more 'obligatory reporting on every single details of what I am doing' ,
I needed a time out , a short break that get out of this bond temporary .

So , at the end of the dream , I was ready to wake up ,
I had my break time , I had enough time and distance for myself,
I wanted to get back to her , to be a better version of myself ,
to be the one she had always hoped me to become...

..as I tried to wake up ,
I realized that there was never any nap ,nor any dreams ,
all those months I so casually spent inside the 'dream' ,
taking my own sweet time enjoying myself
with leisure activities after leisure activities,
while trying to make small progressions which I told myself
it'd impress her when I finally get back to her later...

Everything were the fucking reality ,
there wasn't any dream that I can simply wake up from ,
& get back to her as if I was taking a short break .
& any 'progressions' I thought I had made meant nothing ,
insignificant ,irrelevant .

She gave up on me and left me for all the right reasons ,
that I'm a big disappointment to her .
& she has moved on rather quickly ,
a further proof that I'm a failure & easily replaced.

It's been fucking 10 months ,
yet I'm still occasionally feeling tormented by this...by her..
Whenever & however she comes into my mind ,
the ripples of emotions will crush through my heart,
not because of my love towards her
but because she is & will always be the reminder of what a
failure & disappointment I was & still am even to this day.