Too Little , Too Late

"I lived through 2016 doing the best I could , & I've no regrets "

If you ever find me telling you that , well, that'd be a lie

Though , from time to time I keep telling myself the same lie ,
& I even got myself convinced that this the truth at times .

I'd like to think I'm doing great   , that I'm progressing ,
that I'm growing to become a better man this year.

Keywords : "I would like to think "

But that doesn't make it the truth ,
it's just a lie used to sugarcoat my carefree attitude at making progressions.

The past few months , incidents after incidents made me realized that :
I'm doing too little at this point of my life ,
& whatever small progressions I take so much pride in making ,
they are too slow..too late to be relevance .

I thought I've let go of my past & moved on...
but the truth is I never did...
what I did was to deny & pretend my past mistakes didn't happen.
then simply hope time will wash away everything.

What a great way to end a year :
by realizing everything I've done till this point has been too little ,too late ;
& everything is going back to square one right now .

Sleeping Volcano

There was an eruption just a week ago ,
but instead of lava , tears were being burst out ..
An outcome that I did not expect ,
but it just happened ..naturally...

I guess that's how an eruption supposed to be...

I got a feeling that wouldn't be the last eruption...
this volcano may appears asleep on the surface,
but deep within?
It's always raging...waiting for another eruption

Obvious Cue

Entering November of 2016 , the 2nd last 2 month of the year..

Something actually happened right after my previous post last month

I've found out that she have been deleting the photo albums
that we have shared on our Line chat.
She deleted those albums in batch ,
she deleted some of them first on end of Sep ,
then proceed to delete the rest 2 weeks after .

When I saw the notifications of her deleting those albums,
it felt like a after shock of an earthquake to me...
What I did next was that I actually confronted her
...not physically ,but via Facebook & Line chat,
after nearly 10 weeks of total silent among us.

I could've just stayed silent ,
but somewhere deep within me was screaming ,
telling me to say (write) something to her..
I knew very well that the  moment signifies her final resolve
in closing all ties between us ..
& I wanted to say something about it at that very moment.

I wasn't really sure what was my true intention
of trying to contact her...
perhaps it was partly about trying to reconnect ,
or partly about venting out my frustrations at her leaving me,
or even partly about putting on a proper closure..
for both of us...

I even went as far as asking her can we meet ,
but she replied me swiftly :

"We should not meet"

That was the last words she ever replied me.

Truth is...I'm not sure what good this whole thing really did ...

BTW last night I went back again , trying to feed the black cat..
but the cat wasn't there , just like it wasn't there last month I visited.

It's TWICE now...
perhaps it is an obvious cue that I was desperately waiting for..
that I should let all of these go..

A Celebration That Never Came

I'll be frank...I created this entry on  9/9/16 ,
which was exactly one month ago from today.
But after I wrote the title ,I've left it as a draft until today..

Just as the title implies ,
I was going to write about a celebration that could've happened ,
if things didn't ended up the way it did..
But I just couldn't find the right mood to finish the post...

For past few weeks ,things were calm...
I was hanging out with my friends ,
fetching & driving them around (finally I can drive) ,
managed to finished a game (wow...it's a rarity these days),
made some progress at college (so far so good,humbly speaking)

I was feeding the black cat too...
I thought I'd never go back there ever again...
but I did went back...twice in fact...after that Night..
back to the exact same spot...just to feed the black cat...
that's what I kept telling myself...
"Just  there to feed the poor cat"

I was probably craving for the affections shown by the cat..
the cat probably did the same for every passerby...for food
but still I enjoy it...I enjoy petting it ,
just as much as it enjoys my food
It's a mutual connection with each other....

Or maybe somewhere deep within me,
I was craving for something else altogether...
the cat was just a reminder of the better days(or nights?)

I'm not sure what I'm writing this for anymore,
I'm unsure of my feelings right now...

Knock, knock ,a voice from within.

So I attended a seminar this past Saturday ,
it was about knowing your own personality ,
& how our sub-consciousness can help us push forward &  beyond,
...or limit & constraint us within our own comfort zone .

The trainer also talked about our consciousness makes us think logically ,
while our sub-consciousness is responsible for all the feels we have .

So it's essentially a constant  scenario of heart vs mind ,
to put it in a less-scientific way...

After what happened nearly 5 weeks ago,
I can definitely feel the versus part more so than ever..

Sub-consciousness sure is a wild horse that love to cause all those ripples
..even now...

A Dream of the Past

Today is exactly 1 month after that fateful night...

Perhaps that's what my mind was trying to remind myself ,
by having such a dream last night...

She's there waiting for me ,then we walked together ,
& we chatted & we laughed...
as if this entire month didn't happened..

Then I woke up , then I stumbled upon a post shared on Facebook ,
it was roughly about :

"The horror of loving a guy with no ambitious in life"

That's the moment I've decided to forcibly shut my emotions down,
because deep down I knew ,
that's exactly the reason why she left...

I don't even deserved to feel all these emotions right now...

Ripples of Emotions

Today marks the beginning of  week 5..

This post won't be long..probably..
cause I'm sleepy right now

They say emotions is like a ripple at times ,
there are ups & there downs ,& somewhere in between...

My ripple is quite calm at this very moment ,
but I doubt it'll stay like this for long...

It's going to get busy real soon ,
I hope I can find some sense of purpose at the challenges up ahead...

The Third Monday

3 weeks has since passed , now entering the 4th week.

Today is the 3rd Monday that I've spent mostly by myself ,

especially for the time after evening.

Monday is the day I'm off duty from my work,

for the past  11 months or so.

Previously it was on Friday...those Friday nights held a lot memories too.

& sometimes I had my off days or morning shifts on  weekends too.

For the past 2 years ,

I had dedicated most of  my time out of all these off days,

morning shifts ,& any other free time in between just for her .

It became a routine , it was part of my life

...until 3 weeks ago.

To go through my off days & any other free time without her feels so...

dull & void of passion

Of course I have my friends & all those distractions to keep me occupied,

but it's just  not the same anymore without her 

I' was a fool...just like all those years ago...

history keeps repeating itself

A Silent Night

On a silent & lonely night like tonight , it's very easy to have all sorts of emotions crawling out from the deepest depth of my heart .

The first week was filled with shock ,confusion ,unwillingness ,uneasy..
then followed by denial & distractions to get away from all those raw emotions that's running wild ..

When the second week came ,
the wild feelings deep within have calmed down quite a bit ,
less confusion ,rational thoughts have kicked in ,tried to accept the reality ,
convinced myself it's the best case scenario that happened...
tried to move on...

...more distractions followed..

Coming to the end of the second week ,
there are these intense ,continuous & raw feelings
that are boiling inside me...
kinda like a volcano preparing to erupt..

I knew it won't be so easy....

Aftermath

It's been a week since the break up..

I've had some time to finally calm my emotions & come to accept things as they are right now.

..more or less..

I understand fully why it happened , everything she said were the undeniable truth .

To sum it all up : it was really a big wake up slap to the face .

It was a very logical and rational decision , & I had to accept this outcome...

All I can do now is to push forward...

to be a better me.

686 Days

Or 1 year, 10 months & 17 days...

That was the duration THE chapter lasted...

About 30 hours ago , the heart piercing declaration came .
It came so suddenly & unexpected that I wasn't prepared to process everything...
even now, I'm still unable to process anything...


I can feel that right now there's a tension...
a tug of war between my rationale & my emotion inside me...

I'm not really sure what I should feel at this very moment...

So much....feels running inside now...